How to Consume Shrimp in the Presence of a Cat

As a responsible cat owner, there are many things to know. When they are truly hungry and when they're just playing mind games, the least annoying way to clean the kitty box, when they are really sick enough to need the vet, and so on. I never dreamed there would be a lesson centered around the human consumption of shrimp. But, yes, indeed, there is more to learn about responsible cat ownership than which brand of litter makes a bag that's least likely to tear in your car. Here is the Official Responsible Cat Owner Lesson on the Proper Consumption of Shrimp, as taught to us by Arwen. Yes, Arwen - the cat that actually has some manners. Well, at least when shrimp aren't involved.

1. Just because the cat can take or leave fresh tuna and yawns at salmon does not mean she won't risk her life AND yours for your steamed shrimp.
2. Shutting the cat in the basement will not result in a peaceful shrimp dinner. She will yowl and bodily throw herself at the door until you relent and release her (for fear of her breaking down the door, not injury to the cat).
3. Leaving two or three shrimp in the cat's food bowl will not serve to distract her. She would much rather follow you and claw up your leg to obtain your larger shrimp supply.
4. The cat can only be properly distracted from your shrimp supply by providing a plattered shrimp offering to Her Feline Highness at your feet in the dining room.
5. Do not bother to protect the area rug in your dining room against feline consumption of the shrimp offering. Shrimp offerings cannot be consumed on a hardwood floor, over the platter, or on newspaper. They must be carried and placed on an uncovered portion of the rug for elegant kitty eating.
6. Shrimp, even when cleaned, de-veined, steamed and peeled, are considered whole prey and must be thoroughly disemboweled (in other words, completely shredded with the hind claws) all over the unprotected portion of the rug before they can be eaten.
7. Shredded shrimp do NOT vacuum out of the rug.
8. Tails are the best part of the shrimp. Removing them from the kitty platter offering is considered extremely rude and will result in the cat disciplining its ignorant, ill-mannered human.
9. The little shrimp shreds you missed picking out of the rug by hand lend an interesting new aromatic ambience to your dining room the next morning.
10. Despite the new aromatic ambience, do not bother taking the rug out to a cleaner just yet. Wait until the cat has coughed up the hairball from licking up rug fibers while you were at work in an attempt to consume those last little shrimp shreds you missed picking out by hand. How do you know this hairball came from the dining room rug, and not normal kitty grooming? The unusual blue color is normally a good clue.

Alright, class. Any questions? Okay. Pop quiz time!

Q. How do you manage to eat a shrimp dinner when you own a cat?

A. Remember that tails are the best part of the shrimp. Therefore, before the cat can crawl up your leg, chomp down the first shrimp and toss her the tail. As long as you can eat shrimp faster than she can eat tails, your dinner is safe. If you fall behind... It's been nice knowing you.

Rowena and the cat flap

Yes, another cat story. What else do you expect from a blog eaten by a cat?

I really have two cats, not just the Rowena of blog-eating fame. Our first cat is Arwen, a beautiful, regal, cattitude-filled blue and cream tortie. She's the very image of a perfect Victorian lady's cat.

Rowena isn't too happy about this rival for human attention and affection. Given half a chance, she'll harass Arwen and chase her down into the basement, where the humans rarely go. There may be a minor tussle at the door, but Rowena always wins and poor Arwen is left to sulk downstairs.

We installed a cat flap in the basement door the spring after we brought Arwen home. Her litter box is down there, and once the air conditioner was back in use for the warm season, we soon discovered keeping the basement door open did not help keep the house cool. Enter the cat flap - basement door stays closed, Arwen can get to her litter box, everyone's happy.

Except that Arwen could not figure out how to use the cat flap. I've trained her to sit, stay, beg, circle, jump up or down, and come when called. You'd think I could train her to push the flap open and walk through. Heck, no. That's real work. Did I mention she's a willful princess?

I tried luring her with catnip. She rolled and did her nip fit on the opposite side of the door. I tried cracking the flap open just enough so she could see me bait the floor on the opposite side with her favorite food, shrimp. That smart little furball whipped her paw under the door, scooped up the shrimp, and pulled them over to her side for a leisurely feast. Huh.

In the end, we decided to tie the flap open by looping twine around the flap and tying it to the door knob. Arwen gets free access, and the hole for cool air to escape the ground floor is much smaller. We can live with that.

Or so we though. We had no idea how smart cats really are. Foolish human mortals, us. Enter Rowena.

Rowena understands hinges. Rowena understands gravity. She understands that the string is all that holds up the silly little cat flap. She has never seen us put the string on or take it off. But she knows.... oh, she knows that after Arwen flees through her propped-open cat flap, a little hook of the paw and tug on the string, and BAM! Down comes the flap, and Arwen is trapped in the basement. You can almost hear the evil "Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Take that, you spoiled cat princess!" resounding in her fuzzy feline Einstein brain.

I'm afraid she might try to take over the world next week. Our only hope is that absolute rule would interfere with her afternoon naps and evening play sessions.